It’s the Same, It’s Different

Thursday, June 30th

Our week in Xi’an is coming to a close. I have enjoyed Xi’an but I am starting to get a bit weary and look forward to the second half of the adoption journey. The first week is spent in your child’s province. Cameron is from Xi’an in the province of Shaanxi. The actual adoption is done in China, and as I mentioned on Monday, Cameron officially became a Murray on Geoff’s birthday. It took several hours of paperwork and it was finished in the afternoon in China. It was after midnight in Boston so Cameron literally became a Murray when it was Monday, June 27th in Boston and Monday, June 27th in China. It’s very special to us.

The rest of the week involves getting official paperwork that is the equivalent of a birth certificate/abandonment certificate in China, his passport, etc. As soon as the passport is ready, as in immediately, you can leave the province and head to Guangzhou. This international city used to be known as Canton and is the location of the US Consulate. All families who are adopting must go to Guangzhou to get a medical physical and have a visa appointment. In fact, the entire travel itinerary revolves around the visa appointment.

At this point, I have been Cameron’s mom for 4 nights and the first night was only a temporary 24 hour agreement called the “harmonious period.” There are so many things here that make me chuckle and that phrase is one of them. For most families, the first day is FAR from harmonious! Monday was an entire day of adoption paperwork, passport photos, and a shopping trip to the equivalent of Walmart to buy supplies. Most things were much cheaper except the umbrella stroller which I begrudgingly spent 199 yuan on ($31.21)- more than what I spent on umbrella strollers in the States! The exchange rate is currently awful.

Tuesday was my sacrificial gift to my husband of going to the Terra Cotta Warrior Museum in 110 degrees. Now if you ever find yourself in Xi’an, this museum is a must. I was lucky enough to have been to Xi’an in September of 2000 so I was not interested in doing any of the tour sites. Let’s look at this honestly. I am trying to get to know a 28 month old little Chinese boy who has no language skills. Not only does he not understand English, but he is also very language delayed in Chinese due to his cleft lip and palate. A museum intended for adults is not exactly where I want to get to know a toddler. However, it did prove to me one thing- parenting Cameron is exactly the same as parenting Gretchen and Madelyn.

Well, almost…

Here is what feels exactly the same:
• 2 year olds love to be in shopping carts (for about 5 minutes). Then they prefer to get out of the shopping cart, even if it is unsafe and tipping, and attempt to push it which crashes crowded aisles of Chinese products and causes stares as well as frantic employees yelling at me in Chinese. After that, they just prefer to run through the aisles and see if you will chase them.
• 2 year olds prefer to drink what you are drinking even when they have their own bottle or cup. After a few sips of the coveted liquid, they then prefer to “do it all by themselves” and grab the cup and push you away and then subsequently spill your drink all down themselves. No matter to them, they then have their drink which they happily suck down.
• 2 year olds go from happily playing to throwing things at you and wailing when it is naptime. It is a good idea to not be out and about during this time. Otherwise, you are trying to get a kicking, screaming, arching their back toddler into a stroller to get back to a hotel (or home) as soon as you can. This has been very challenging for me in the States but it is nothing compared to what it is like doing this in China!
• Eating in restaurants with 2 year olds is not fun for anyone- the toddler, the parent, the waitress staff or the other patrons! (I have already had to pay for a spoon that he broke by whipping it across the restaurant.)
• Some of the other things about Cameron that feel very similar to being mama to Gretchen and Madelyn are his belly laugh when I tickle him, his insistence on playing with my sunglasses instead of wearing his, his obsession with shoes (wearing them and taking them off repeatedly in inopportune times), his desire to push his stroller instead of riding in it, his desire to be near me at all times even if I am using the bathroom or taking a shower, a constant opening and clicking closed the belts on his stroller, high chair and backpack and last but not least, his love of all things chocolate.

There are also many things that are not at all the same as parenting Gretchen and Madelyn. Here is a short sample:
• When Cameron eats, food comes out of his nose. How do you say “I need to have another surgery repair asap” in Chinese?
• Gretchen and Madelyn both have advanced language skills (no, I don’t know where they get that from) and Cameron will be in speech therapy for years.
• Cameron exhibits orphanage type behaviors when he is tired or stressed, such as moving his head back and forth over and over again to fall asleep. He doesn’t bang his head like many children do, but he rocks it in a way that makes me cry inside, knowing that he developed this because he never had a mom or a dad to put him to bed at night.
• Cameron hates stuffed animals and loves cars.
• Cameron does not like things with a red tomato-based sauce (boy, I hope this one changes).
• Cameron prefers to climb or hang upside down from any piece of furniture rather than sit down in it to read a book with me.

Tomorrow is supposed to be when we can pick up his passport and head to the airport. I am not looking forward to flying with this little man, I can tell you that. If his inability to sit for 5 minutes in a cab is indicative of anything, it is that this is going to be a looooong 3 hour flight to Guangzhou!

Our Apologies

Sunday, July 3rd

Hello all,
I was really hoping to send a blog entry every day while I was here.
The challenge is that both Facebook and Blogger are blocked in China.
It means that I have to send something to Geoff and then he makes the
post for me. He has his hands full taking care of Gretchen and
Madelyn. He and I tend to Skype instead of email so it got moved down
our priority list.

Pray for the rest of the Murrays back in Boston. It’s been
challenging for all of us. It seems that every Skype conversation
includes one of the girls wailing. They miss their mama! This is
very hard for them and difficult for me as well. It’s also
challenging for me to be here with Cameron and it’s a lot of work with
no break. Because I am in the situation that is “new” and we are so
busy with adoption appointments, the time goes by faster for me than
for those that I love who are still in Boston.

I have some entries that I am in the process of organizing and
emailing to Geoff, so he will be playing catch up and you will see
more than one posted on the same day. This is not the first time that
I have been out of the country on the 4th of July. I remember our
nation’s birth in my heart and despite all of the challenges that our
country has been facing, it is still the greatest country on earth.
Being in China this weekend only highlights that fact. I pray that
our nation would be in the center of God’s will and kept in His hands.

THE GREATEST LOVE

“Greater love has no one than this, than he lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13

The life of an orphan is hard. The life of an orphan with special needs is impossible. Most will never be adopted, never leave an institution, never be welcomed by society, never have a job, never have another soul on the earth to love them. And certainly never have anything to call their own.

I handed Cameron a blue matchbox car in the Civil Affairs office. He has never let it go since. He loves this car. I spent $1 on it at Ocean State Job Lot the day before I left for China. He seemed to experience such relief when I dressed him in a pair of shorts with pockets and showed him how he could put the car in his pocket to keep it on his person. He holds it tight in one hand, and holds my hand tight in his other hand.

You cannot imagine my horror when one of the government officers at one of our appointments thought it was funny to make Cameron cry by snatching his car from his hand over and over again. At first I was stunned. Cameron has a silent cry, which is the exact opposite of Madelyn. That child cries and screams so loudly that it literally makes your eardrums vibrate. People comment on it in public all the time. At first they laugh when they hear it until it starts to hurt their ears too. Then I start to get dirty looks like somehow I can make her cry softer. They often say “how can such a big sound come out of such a little person!” That is our Madelyn.

But Cameron cries silently. I have seen it before in other orphans. I have no doubt that it is due to the months at the orphanage before he went to Starfish Foster Home. When you spend that long not having any needs met whatsoever, you lose the ability to continue to fight and ask for what you need. He has a look on his face like he is crying, but no sound comes out and no tears are shed. When he bumps his head on the desk in the hotel room, I have to be careful to listen to when I hear a bump because I will not hear a cry.

After torturing my son by grabbing his car several times, mama bear took over. Despite the fact that I felt vulnerable with these officers, I finally grabbed it from their hand and shouted “No!” I gave him his car back and he snuggled into me. Cameron doesn’t fully understand who I am, I know that. But he has figured out that this person taking care of him is his advocate and he looks to me when something is happening to him that he finds distressing. Yes, he calls me "mama" but he has never seen a family, so how can he really understand what a "mama" actually is.

I have come to love this little blue matchbox car since it travels everywhere that Cameron does. He struggled so much when I wouldn’t let him hold it in the bathtub because I didn’t want it to get wet and rust. I made a place for it on the tub where he could see it during the entire bath. I wasn’t sure what would happen when we visited Starfish Foster Home. When he saw his Starfish siblings, he grasped onto that car so tight and would whine whenever anyone walked near him.

Today we visited Xi’an Child Welfare Institute where Cameron spent his first 2 months after he was abandoned at a hospital. I wanted to see it for myself. It is one of the largest orphanages in China and is responsible for over 800 children, half of which are in foster care placements. After touring the orphanage with the assistant to the director, I met the man who named him Lelai. I had a small gift for him and wanted him to write a message to Cameron in a book that I brought. I was supposed to meet the director after that and have him sign Cameron’s book. At this point, Cameron was having a meltdown. I can’t exactly describe what 110 degrees with a toddler who doesn’t even speak Chinese let alone English and only understands Chinese feels like. But, I can assure you, it feels even hotter.

So, I asked my guide and the assistant to be my proxy so I could stand in the shade with my son and help him through his tantrum and give him some water and a snack. During that time, an old woman caregiver walked by with about 6 or 7 babies and toddlers in a wagon. One of the baby boys was crying and she stopped in the shade to pick him up. I was so taken by his eyes that it took me a minute to realize that the baby had no ears. After he stopped crying and she put him back in the wagon, Cameron walked over to that 3 or 4 month old baby and laid his little blue matchbox car on his belly. And when the baby couldn’t pick it up, Cameron picked it up and placed the car in the baby’s hands.

Time slowed down. I couldn’t even hear the sounds from the street anymore. I just stared at my son and watched him make the biggest sacrifice of his life. Only his mama (and God) know how much that car meant to him. I thought he might cry when she started to walk away with the children and he watched his car leave with them but he didn’t. Then the caregiver noticed that the baby was still holding the car and she took it out of his hands and handed it back to Cameron. He deliberately walked back over to them and then handed the car to one of the toddlers who was helping to push the wagon and patted her arm while he did it. She smiled at him and walked away and then turned back around and blew him a kiss.

For most of us, though, demonstrating laying down our life for someone means dying to self. It means looking our selfish selves in the mirror and doing something we don’t want to do for someone else. Like getting up extra early to make your spouse coffee before work or not going out to dinner with your friends because your daughter’s softball game was rescheduled from rain on the same night as your “girls’ night out.” It means sacrificing what you love to do to take care of someone else’s needs. For Cameron, it meant giving away the only treasure he has ever known - his little blue matchbox car.

Tears of Joy

As I was walking to the Civil Affairs office to meet Cameron, I was remembering the weather on the day that we brought Gretchen and Madelyn home from the hospital. Gretchen was born in a warm November and when we arrived home, the sky was on fire with the colors of all of the leaves. It was stunning.

Madelyn was born in a slightly warm February (warm for Boston), but it began to snow the day before we were discharged and we left right as another storm was coming in.

The clouds opened up in Xi'an yesterday and it was raining as I walked to Civil Affairs. The sidewalks here are tile, and I was slipping all over the place. The closer we got to the office, the harder it started to rain. It felt as if Jesus himself was crying tears of joy at what was about to happen.

As I entered the building, I witnessed a struggling family. A toddler was in complete hysterics and reaching and wailing for his Chinese orphanage caregiver. The daddy seemed sad, the mommy seemed unprepared, and the child was in such grief. I started to sob. It was so hard watching a child be in such pain, not being able to understand that what lies ahead is even better. And what God wants for all of us- to be a part of a family.

My stomach started to knot up as I stepped onto the elevator. Cameron was prepared for this day. We worked hard coming up with a plan. He had a book of his new family which was read to him daily at Starfish. I wore the same outfit as the picture that he had of me. You just don't know how things will go. I started down the hall towards the office and when I entered the room, Cameron looked up and ran into my arms and shouted "mama!" It was so perfect that the whole room seemed to stand still. Toddler adoption is a curious thing. There is so much that is hard to explain, yet so much that they seem to comprehend. Cameron held his book and pointed to my picture and then pointed to me. Then he pointed to my picture and pointed back to me. This happened for several minutes and it really seemed like he understood who I was. He also seemed pretty eager to start the next chapter of his life.

Since that moment, he hasn't left my side and starts to cry if there is more than 2 or 3 feet between us. We are all looking forward to this next part of the journey. And I am looking forward to all of the future tears of joy.

Go Bucks!

This will be short and sweet tonight as I am completely exhausted from the journey. I underestimated how hard it would be for me to leave. I started crying in the airport and couldn't quite seem to pull it together. Thankfully, it was security in Boston where nothing seems to rattle them. :)

The flight to Shanghai had several families going home to China for their summer vacations. It has never been uncommon for me to observe children the entire time I am on a flight or in public. This time was a bit different, though. As I was staring at these adorable kiddos I finally realized, wait a second...That's going to be me in a couple days! I am going to be the mom of an adorable Chinese child. Weird, I know, but it just was hitting home.

I'd love to say that my traveling went off without a hitch, but that would be a lie. I am just hoping that gives me a free pass for the journey home since I will be bringing back a 2 year old who doesn't understand English and trying to find ways to entertain him for oh, I don't know 25 hours??!! We have several domestic flights in China too, so start praying now!

I arrived in Xi'an many, many hours later than expected. It was reminding me of the trip that Grace and I took for Cynthia's wedding, arrival late into Xi'an. Major difference though-prices are out of sight! Oye vey! Many more English speakers too. I was exhausted and ready to fall into bed. However, the firetrucks and police cars (I stopped counting after 30 firetrucks) in front of my hotel were a little distracting. That and the fire and smoke from the biggest fire I have ever seen in real life. I will be downloading pictures hopefully. The hotel was FILLED with smoke. Like unbelievably so. China is also filled with smog. Not to mention the HEAT and HUMIDITY. It's pretty darn miserable and I felt reaffirmed in our family decision of the girls staying home with Geoff and me traveling alone.

I will be meeting our sweet boy tomorrow! Thanks for all your love, encouragement and prayers. I am a bit nervous for what is awaiting for us. As for the Buckeye reference...I meet them everywhere, even in China! The person I sat next to on the plane from Shanghai to Xi'an is getting her Masters at Ohio State this year. She is going home for the summer. It was fun to talk about the Buckeyes with someone who speaks very little English. She could say "Go Bucks!' though :).

Band-Aids, Cellphones and Chocolate Chip Cookies

Oh, the joys of parenting. To say that I do about a million things that I said that I would NEVER do is the understatement of the century. I should have bought stock in Band-Aids. I am literally keeping that company in business. It's amazing what a band-aid can cure. In our house, it has helped soothe a hurt caused by a stolen stuffed animal, provided hours of entertainment and oh, yea, we use them when there is a cut or blister or some other random hurt that I have no idea where it came from on these little girls' arms, legs, feet, elbows... At this point, they love to cover their bodies in them. They think they are some fashion statement, perhaps all the characters? Hello Kitty, Mickey Mouse, Disney Princesses, Toy Story. I have given in and filled their Christmas stockings with them too.

And then there is my phone. That coveted piece of equipment that has the power to literally stop the car and head back home on its own when I have forgotten my cellphone. It has saved me in so many binds. No, not because I have needed it to call 9-1-1 or AAA. Usually my emergencies often look like someone is crying and I am in a checkout line at the grocery store and handing them my Blackberry is the quickest way for me to get out of that store with the least amount of dirty looks as possible. And as far as those tellers go, it's the store's own fault for putting candy and lollipops in the checkout line. How do they think they can quickly check me out when I now have a 3 year old and a 2 year old who I am yanking bags of M&Ms from as I am trying to load groceries onto the belt? If only I didn't lose my cellphone so much, it would come in handy more often.

Well, I am here to confess that today I have hit a new low in parenting. As most of you know, I am leaving in 22 hours to head to China to pick up our sweet son. In case you haven't done the math, Cameron is only 11 days younger than Madelyn. In another day, I will officially have 3 children who are 15 months apart from each other. One thing that Gretchen and Madelyn have taught me so far is that no two children are alike. And despite my best efforts and trying to turn them into specific people, they seem to have minds of their own :) and we are all learning and loving and growing together.

So, with Madelyn, I have succumbed to something that I never ever thought I would do- nurse a toddler. This kid is 28 months old and is refusing to wean. I have tried everything. I have read every book. I have refused, begged, bribed. You name it, I have tried it. And to think I thought I was an expert at nursing and weaning after my experience with Gretchen. Good Heavens. I apologize to anyone I ever gave nursing advice to. I also apologize to every person I ever met whom I judged when I saw you nursing your kid who was "too old."

Let's just say that I have reached the desperate stage of packing. I have family coming in to help Geoff who will be walking into a house that is um, a MESS. I have so many things to do today that I seriously doubt bedtime will be an option tonight. Oh, and Madelyn is STILL NURSING. This morning when she woke up she did her typical signs of wanting to nurse which I promptly ignored. Then she said "Mama, I want to nurse!" (See this is what happens when you nurse a toddler, they actually tell you what they want!) Me being busy and having no other comforting words for this child of mine replied "No!" Then Madelyn says "Mama, I wanna nurse. Just 5 minutes?" Look how she is so cute and offering a new choice to attempt to persuade me... My reply "No!" Madelyn begins to wail!! I handed her a chocolate chip cookie. It's 7:30 am and my 2 year old is having chocolate chip cookies for breakfast because I literally don't know what else to do. And, I NEED TO PACK!

When I return from China with Cameron, I will make a point to write a letter to the hospital lactation specialist, or perhaps Dr. Jack Newman himself that one way to successfully wean a child is to go to China! (And leave the nursing child behind.)

Mama is coming, Cameron! I will be there soon. And don't worry- I am bringing cookies!

But we are missing someone!

I have decided that 3 is about the perfect age for all things theological. I am amazed at the things that Gretchen says that ring so true spiritually. She has said several times...

"Mama, God is in China taking care of Cameron, Jesus is in Heaven holding baby Jason, so who is here with me so we are not lonely too?"

Me: "The Holy Spirit!"

G: "Yes, that's right. He is the one who makes me feel safe when I am trying to sleep."

Yes, that's right people, my 3 year old grapples regularly with trying to figure out the Trinity!

Gretchen has always been very attached to both Geoff and I- in different ways, but equally close. She pretty much prefers when we are ALL together. "Team Murray" is a phrase often said around here, and we all feel the same about the idea of "best" is when we are all here together. The fact that Cameron is in our hearts and not physically in our home and arms yet has been weighing heavily upon us all. More and more, both of his big sisters talk about him and when he is coming home. "Are all the papers done yet, Mommy? When are you going to China to get my brother?" Lately, the conversation has focused more about his absence.

We are finishing up his room and the girls love to run and play there. I will post photos of his room when we finish this weekend. Madelyn loves to point out all the turtles and frogs and screams "Look, Mama! Cameron's fwoggies! Look, Mama! Cameron's turtles! Look, Mama! Cameron's bed." As Madelyn was jumping on his bed today, Gretchen put her head down and said "but, we are missing something. We are missing Cameron!"

When we do a group hug, one of them usually shouts "Team Murray!" but for the past few weeks they make sure they mention "not all of Team Murray is here. We need Cameron!" They couldn't be more right. We do need him here. I have been waiting for this little man for 29 years. 3rd grade is not too early to start planning your future. :) It's been a privilege to watch the rest of my family develop a deep love for this little boy who is still on the other side of the world.

Well, I am happy to report that it's time. Finally. A week from today (yes, next Thursday!), I will be on a plane to pick up the newest member of Team Murray and finally hold my son. June 27th has been a special day on my heart for 5 years since it's the day my sweet husband was born. Now, it's also the day that is Cameron's "Gotcha Day" and will be celebrated in our family for the rest of our lives! Looks like the blog entries are going to be frequent now. Stay tuned!