No Food or Drink Allowed

I think I can understand David a little better today. As much as I can relate to being a sinner who loves God with my whole heart, there are so many passages in Scripture that I struggle to deeply understand on a personal, life-defining level.

One of those is a song King David wrote, Psalm 119. Christian author and teacher Beth Moore has a beautiful Sunday school lecture about it. But even with her love of Scripture and her energy when she speaks, I never really felt like doing cartwheels over things like "I reach out for your commands, which I love, that I may meditate on your decrees." v. 48. Or how about verse 97, which says "Oh, how I love your law! I meditate on it all day long."

Hmmm, I do many things all day long. Change diapers, pick up toys off the floor, feed several people, wash clothes, wash mouths, wash floors...you get the picture. I don't think that I have ever meditated on God's law all day long. At least, not on purpose. Or not because I loved it so much.

On the surface, God's law seems to frustrate a large part of the earth's population. I often hear complaints like "He is such a God of do nots" or "Following God is not very fun." It's a challenge to understand that His law is really best. Even when we think we know better than Him. Becoming a mama has helped soften this side of my stubborn nature a bit. Telling my children "no" or "not yet" because I understand the bigger picture that they do not see has helped me to understand more personally that God is always looking out for me. He sees things that I do not. He understands parts of the way that our world works that I never will. His ways are always the best.

Monday was Cameron's pre-operative appointment. I was quite annoyed when I arrived and the walls and doors and chairs and everywhere I looked were plastered with signs that said "No Food or Drink Allowed." I was like "what are these people thinking?!" Surely they do not understand that I will be entertaining a very active 2 1/2 year old for the next 3 hours while we meet with many different teams of nurses and doctors to prepare for Cameron's upcoming surgery! And Cameron isn't just any toddler; he is one with severe feeding issues. He was well taken care of and had plenty to eat while at Starfish Foster Home. However, his early months of life were not that way and you all saw a couple photos of Cameron as a malnourished infant. He never experienced having enough to eat, and it stays with him to this day. This kid is obsessed with food. Right now, it's the most comforting thing he can find and the fact that this blonde lady who keeps calling herself "mama" keeps giving it to him is working out just fine for him in his new little life that he is trying to decipher.

I am embarrassed to say that I didn't accept this hospital law with much grace. I actually made a comment about it to the desk administrator. And the nurse. And the person sitting next to me in the waiting room of pre-op/admitting. I was relieved when we would be taken into consultation rooms so I could start shoving food into Cameron during our long morning. It's the trick that always works for him when he's about to have a meltdown. Or when I am about to have a meltdown!

Today was not going to be like Monday. Today is _actually_ surgery day. Cameron would need to fast for 8 hours prior to surgery. When I learned that Cameron might not have the first surgery slot, I actually started to cry. I begged the pre-op nurse to make it happen and prayed and had others pray and contacted a friend who is a nurse at Children's Hospital Boston so she could send emails and work her magic to try to make sure this happened.

I knew this would be a problem for my sweet boy. He was not going to understand. It's not that I thought I would be depriving him of food and that he would be hungry and crying. It's because food is synonymous with love for him right now. When I tell Cameron "no" to food, he gets a look of despair and melts down. It is no ordinary toddler meltdown. It is a broken-hearted wail and face so sad that no one in their right mind could go about their business like everything is fine. He cries when I don't give him food first at the table. He cries when someone gets a second helping and asks for more even if his plate is still full. Cameron gets so stressed out by the presence of large quantities of food that he is not consuming that I actually got two tables for us in China when we ate. One table was for the serving dishes of food and the other table is where we sat.

I did my best to distract him this morning. When I took him out of the carseat in the parking garage, he spotted a lone Cheerio on the floor of the car. He immediately pointed to it and asked me for it. I pretended that I did not notice. He looked at me funny and pointed back to the car when I cheerfully walked away from the source of food whistling as if nothing was happening. The pre-op room didn't open until 6 am so we had a few minutes for me to change him and get him dressed this morning. As I pulled the diaper out of the bag, he spotted a ziploc bag and assumed there must be food in it for him. He started to whine and point and sign and yell and do anything he could to tell me that he wanted me to give him some food. At first I pretended like I didn't hear him, but when he threw his "Polar Bear, Polar Bear" book at me and yelled and signed "eat" and gave me a look like, "you are acting like a complete idiot. I know you know what I am saying!!" I started to tear up. I was trying to be brave before surgery but my heart was breaking because I knew for Cameron, food means more to him right now than some activity to keep from being hungry.

I walked out of the bathroom a bit frazzled and looked at Geoff and said "if I see one person even take a sip of water to take their medication, I am going to totally lose it. I am serious. I will go off. I cannot bear to see him suffer and he will lose it if he sees food or drink anywhere." I was just about finished with my little tirade as we approached the office and do you know what the first thing I saw was? A big orange sign that said "NO FOOD OR DRINK ALLOWED." I let out a small sigh of relief and felt like I was in a safe place temporarily. Cameron would not see any water bottles or Cheerios or apples or anything.

As I checked in with the desk administrator, I got a little lump in my throat as I realized that this same person that I complained to on Monday about why wasn't _I_ allowed to have snacks for my child was actually a person who was looking out for him. The rule that I hated on Monday was now offering me peace and comfort on Thursday.

David had a relationship with God that was so special that he was literally called "a man after God's own heart." David said that he loved God's law and would meditate on it day and night. It wasn't the rules, per say, as much as it was that Scripture was a way for him to experience God's presence. Today in the pre-op room, I actually saw a law that really did make me want to do a cartwheel right then and there. Because this same law was not well-received a mere 3 days prior to my celebratory dance, it made me think about God's law. Maybe, just maybe, God knows more than me. And because of this, He wants to protect me. He loves me and wants the best for me. He understands the bigger picture. What seemed painful a few days ago ended up being so much better for Cameron in the long run. My prayer is that I remember this the next time I get flustered with God and list off my complaints to Him. "No Food or Drink Allowed" for anyone just might be the best way after all.