No Food or Drink Allowed

I think I can understand David a little better today. As much as I can relate to being a sinner who loves God with my whole heart, there are so many passages in Scripture that I struggle to deeply understand on a personal, life-defining level.

One of those is a song King David wrote, Psalm 119. Christian author and teacher Beth Moore has a beautiful Sunday school lecture about it. But even with her love of Scripture and her energy when she speaks, I never really felt like doing cartwheels over things like "I reach out for your commands, which I love, that I may meditate on your decrees." v. 48. Or how about verse 97, which says "Oh, how I love your law! I meditate on it all day long."

Hmmm, I do many things all day long. Change diapers, pick up toys off the floor, feed several people, wash clothes, wash mouths, wash floors...you get the picture. I don't think that I have ever meditated on God's law all day long. At least, not on purpose. Or not because I loved it so much.

On the surface, God's law seems to frustrate a large part of the earth's population. I often hear complaints like "He is such a God of do nots" or "Following God is not very fun." It's a challenge to understand that His law is really best. Even when we think we know better than Him. Becoming a mama has helped soften this side of my stubborn nature a bit. Telling my children "no" or "not yet" because I understand the bigger picture that they do not see has helped me to understand more personally that God is always looking out for me. He sees things that I do not. He understands parts of the way that our world works that I never will. His ways are always the best.

Monday was Cameron's pre-operative appointment. I was quite annoyed when I arrived and the walls and doors and chairs and everywhere I looked were plastered with signs that said "No Food or Drink Allowed." I was like "what are these people thinking?!" Surely they do not understand that I will be entertaining a very active 2 1/2 year old for the next 3 hours while we meet with many different teams of nurses and doctors to prepare for Cameron's upcoming surgery! And Cameron isn't just any toddler; he is one with severe feeding issues. He was well taken care of and had plenty to eat while at Starfish Foster Home. However, his early months of life were not that way and you all saw a couple photos of Cameron as a malnourished infant. He never experienced having enough to eat, and it stays with him to this day. This kid is obsessed with food. Right now, it's the most comforting thing he can find and the fact that this blonde lady who keeps calling herself "mama" keeps giving it to him is working out just fine for him in his new little life that he is trying to decipher.

I am embarrassed to say that I didn't accept this hospital law with much grace. I actually made a comment about it to the desk administrator. And the nurse. And the person sitting next to me in the waiting room of pre-op/admitting. I was relieved when we would be taken into consultation rooms so I could start shoving food into Cameron during our long morning. It's the trick that always works for him when he's about to have a meltdown. Or when I am about to have a meltdown!

Today was not going to be like Monday. Today is _actually_ surgery day. Cameron would need to fast for 8 hours prior to surgery. When I learned that Cameron might not have the first surgery slot, I actually started to cry. I begged the pre-op nurse to make it happen and prayed and had others pray and contacted a friend who is a nurse at Children's Hospital Boston so she could send emails and work her magic to try to make sure this happened.

I knew this would be a problem for my sweet boy. He was not going to understand. It's not that I thought I would be depriving him of food and that he would be hungry and crying. It's because food is synonymous with love for him right now. When I tell Cameron "no" to food, he gets a look of despair and melts down. It is no ordinary toddler meltdown. It is a broken-hearted wail and face so sad that no one in their right mind could go about their business like everything is fine. He cries when I don't give him food first at the table. He cries when someone gets a second helping and asks for more even if his plate is still full. Cameron gets so stressed out by the presence of large quantities of food that he is not consuming that I actually got two tables for us in China when we ate. One table was for the serving dishes of food and the other table is where we sat.

I did my best to distract him this morning. When I took him out of the carseat in the parking garage, he spotted a lone Cheerio on the floor of the car. He immediately pointed to it and asked me for it. I pretended that I did not notice. He looked at me funny and pointed back to the car when I cheerfully walked away from the source of food whistling as if nothing was happening. The pre-op room didn't open until 6 am so we had a few minutes for me to change him and get him dressed this morning. As I pulled the diaper out of the bag, he spotted a ziploc bag and assumed there must be food in it for him. He started to whine and point and sign and yell and do anything he could to tell me that he wanted me to give him some food. At first I pretended like I didn't hear him, but when he threw his "Polar Bear, Polar Bear" book at me and yelled and signed "eat" and gave me a look like, "you are acting like a complete idiot. I know you know what I am saying!!" I started to tear up. I was trying to be brave before surgery but my heart was breaking because I knew for Cameron, food means more to him right now than some activity to keep from being hungry.

I walked out of the bathroom a bit frazzled and looked at Geoff and said "if I see one person even take a sip of water to take their medication, I am going to totally lose it. I am serious. I will go off. I cannot bear to see him suffer and he will lose it if he sees food or drink anywhere." I was just about finished with my little tirade as we approached the office and do you know what the first thing I saw was? A big orange sign that said "NO FOOD OR DRINK ALLOWED." I let out a small sigh of relief and felt like I was in a safe place temporarily. Cameron would not see any water bottles or Cheerios or apples or anything.

As I checked in with the desk administrator, I got a little lump in my throat as I realized that this same person that I complained to on Monday about why wasn't _I_ allowed to have snacks for my child was actually a person who was looking out for him. The rule that I hated on Monday was now offering me peace and comfort on Thursday.

David had a relationship with God that was so special that he was literally called "a man after God's own heart." David said that he loved God's law and would meditate on it day and night. It wasn't the rules, per say, as much as it was that Scripture was a way for him to experience God's presence. Today in the pre-op room, I actually saw a law that really did make me want to do a cartwheel right then and there. Because this same law was not well-received a mere 3 days prior to my celebratory dance, it made me think about God's law. Maybe, just maybe, God knows more than me. And because of this, He wants to protect me. He loves me and wants the best for me. He understands the bigger picture. What seemed painful a few days ago ended up being so much better for Cameron in the long run. My prayer is that I remember this the next time I get flustered with God and list off my complaints to Him. "No Food or Drink Allowed" for anyone just might be the best way after all.

Now I am ready for summer to begin!

Many have been asking for an update on Cameron or simply how things are going. My answer this week is "Now I am ready for summer to begin!" I have always loved September, the real "new year" where resolutions are easy to come by and crossing off to-do lists with brand new colored markers is always the most fun. But since becoming a mama, summer has moved to the top of my list of favorite seasons. Somewhere between hand-picked bouquets of dandylions by chubby toddler hands and sand in every crevice of bodies from head to toe, I have fallen in love with this season. Last year, Gretchen, Madelyn and I were beach bums. I was starting to get pretty darn good at packing us up and heading to the beach most days.

The beginning of this summer was FRANTIC. Adoption paperwork, arguing with my bank over crisp, new bills to take to China, 16 days away from my daughters in order to pick up my son- their brother. Stress. Cameron came home 2 months ago. Seems like yesterday and seems like a lifetime ago simultaneously.

Coming home is hard. Really hard. And the issues that you deal with while being jetlagged and sleep deprived are much more complicated than dealing with a newborn coming home from the hospital. Instead of nursing my newborn in a rocking chair, I am trying to get my toddler to not rock his head violently when he is trying to fall asleep. Instead of trying to figure out if my one month old will accept breastmilk from a bottle, I am trying to get my toddler who was home for a month to stop using a bottle to prepare him for his cleft palate surgery. Instead of trying to get big sister toddler to give more gentle hugs and kisses to the baby, I am trying to get all toddlers to stop hitting each other and use words. Except he doesn't have any. And won't. For a LONG time.

Last year, the memory-making moments flowed from one day to the next. This summer has been memorable for sure, but the photo opportunities of fun in the summer sun had to be thoughtfully planned out and acted upon. Cameron has been home for 8 weeks and has been to see 11 different specialists at Children's Hospital Boston. The administrators at the front desk who graciously stamp my parking tickets every visit recognize me and recognize Cameron.

In between trying to get a handle on everything that is going on with Cameron medically and prepping things for his upcoming palate repair and ear surgery, we managed to squeeze in some playground time, a few visits to the beach, and lots of time on the mechanical carousel at Market Basket which is my new favorite activity and only costs a quarter!





This week Facebook posts have been filled with adorable cherubs in backpacks waiting for school buses and first days of school. I love seeing the toothless grins proudly displaying their new outfits. But, I am really not ready for Fall yet and it's here nonetheless. Before I lament too long about my not enough beach time summer, I have to keep focused on one thing and one thing only- God's plan for our lives. His word says in Eccelesiastes 3 that "there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."

After many years of waiting for our adoption, the final months were filled with prayers that went something like "make this happen in your perfect timing, Lord." God knew the day that Cameron would meet his forever family and He knew that the best time for that to happen for the Murrays would be the summer.

So now it's time for me to do what I have been working so hard to teach my children- make good choices. I can choose to be grumpy that I schlepped into Boston all summer to go to doctor appointments or I can be thankful that I have a son now and that I live in the country (and city) that has the best doctors in the world. I can choose to be sad that we never went to the wading pool once during the month of July because we had to wait for giardia stool tests to be negative 3 times, or I can be thankful that it is cleared up and we went a couple times in August. I can choose to have my prayers be "please God, let there be a parking space on the first or second floor of the garage so I don't have to wait for the annoyingly long elevator" or they can be "please God, heal the child whose Dad is weeping in the elevator and carrying a duffle bag with his clothes for another week while his son is in treatment at CHB."

Our blow-up kiddie pool is looking pretty dingy and sadly deflated leaning against the carport wall. I keep hoping that after this cold and rainy weather ends, it will be replaced with 80 degree days that will give me a reason to fill it back up again. If not, I think I will take a hayride and pick some apples or pumpkins with an adorable little boy who will finally have the holes in his palate fixed and won't have to cough and sneeze and have food dripping out of his nose when he eats because "there is a season for every activity under the heavens."

God Knows Our Story

There is a very special passage in Scripture in the book of Psalms, chapter 139. In this song, David is talking to God about how no one could know David better than God. In verse 16, he writes "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

There have been many times that I have meditated upon this chapter and specifically this verse. God has a very specific purpose for all of our lives. He made a blueprint, even before we began to develop in our mother's womb. He also has ordained every single day that we will be on the earth. There is no greater pain suffered on earth than the loss of a child. It is helpful to understand that God already knew every day that they would be on this earth, even if we don't understand why.

He knows the day that we begin forming. He knows the day that we will be born. He knows the day that we will die. And God knows everything in between.

This past Spring, Geoff and I lost a baby. Many families around the world have endured this pain since the beginning of time. When a baby dies before 20 weeks gestation, the death is called a miscarriage. When a baby dies after 20 weeks gestation, the medical world calls the death a stillborn. Let me be clear in stating that this was not a "failed pregnancy." This was a baby that we planned for and deeply desired. We named him Jason Paul and still mourn his absence from our family and that he and Cameron will not be sharing a bedroom on earth.

I thought a lot about this verse during the inital stages of grief. It makes me sad that I never got to hold him in my arms or raise him with his siblings, but I do know exactly where he is- safe in the arms of Jesus. I know that God does not make mistakes and that He knew exactly how long Jason would be in my womb. So many times in which I have thought about the words in King David's song to God have really been about death and that God knows exactly when because all of our days are written in His book.

In Cameron's life story, however, these verses make me think about life and when we are born. The first obvious notion is because Cameron did not grow in my womb. He grew in another woman's. And even then as God helped form him, He knew in his omnipotence that she would not be the one to raise Cameron. There are many events that surround Cameron's beginning that are unclear. But God knows his story.

According to the orphanage records and medical reports, Cameron was abandoned on March 13, 2009 at a very large and prominent hospital in Xi'an, China. The interesting piece of information about this location is that it is a military hospital and actually considered the best hospital in this very large city with the same population size as New York City. The doctors did an estimate of his age and determined his birthdate to be February 29, 2009.

For those of you who do not have the leap years memorized, you can get out a calendar and see that that day does not exist in time. There is no February 29, 2009. This had a deep impact on me while I was in China. Not only was a little boy abandoned by his family and no one but God knows why, but the next caregivers that he would have assigned a birthday to him that does not exist in our world. I grieved for Cameron. I cried for that little baby who no one really knew.

The mistake was realized eventually as his birthdate was then changed to February 28, 2009 in later paperwork. Abandonment is illegal in China so when a baby is found, the first call is to the police. They do a thorough search for birth parents. Once the investigation is over, they call the orphanage and deliver the baby to them (unless they need hospitalization first). The orphanage is responsible for putting an ad in the paper with the details that they have to see if the family or any extended family members know any information on the baby or claim the baby. This is called a finding ad.

Part of the paperwork process during the adoption in China is giving each family their child's finding ad. This day was another interesting moment in China. I actually have a copy of Cameron's original finding ad. In it, the birthdate that was originally assigned to him was February 29, 2009. In the copy of a copy of a copy that I received from the orphanage on adoption day, the date said February 28, 2009. Same paper. Same day of printing of that paper. Different days. I understand a bit about the Chinese notion of saving face, so I am choosing to not pursue this journey any further. The point is, no one really knows when Cameron was born. No one that is, except his birth mother and God.

When I first received the photos of the day that Cameron came to live at Starfish, the level of his malnourishment was shocking. I felt then that he was not 2 weeks old when he went to the orphanage. I thought he was probably older but was so small and frail and sick, they guessed at 2 weeks. I don't think the doctors that evaluated him knew what to think of a baby like Cameron. He was days, perhaps hours from death on the day he went to live at Starfish. Cameron was so malnourished that his limbs were no longer able to move. Out of respect for my son, the photos that I included in this blog are not the full body shots or the ones where you can really see how close to death he was.







The day I met Cameron in China 3 weeks ago, I felt the same thing- that he was older. There is no particular reason when you first meet him to assume that he is older. It was a knowing in my gut. He is actually quite short. Madelyn is a peanut, and they are supposed to be the exact same age and she is a little taller than Cameron. Yesterday was the first of many doctor appointments at Boston Children's Hospital. When the cleft lip and palate nurse began Cameron's examination, she said "you know that Cameron is older than his birthdate, right?" "Yes," I said "I had a feeling that he was." They recommended a bone scan for a better estimate of his age for medical purposes only.

Adoption is very much like a treasure hunt. You get some clues here and there. Some of them are real clues, some of them almost seem like they were set out to confuse the other pirates looking for the treasure. You piece it together to try to form a story of your child. You want to tell them their story. The reality is that I don't know all of Cameron's story and neither does the foster home who lovingly nursed him to health and neither does the orphanage who had him for the first 2 months after he was abandoned.

Not only do I know that God knows Cameron's story, but I also know that Cameron is a treasure. A treasure that was worthy to be sought after and found. His special needs do not make him less worthy of a treasure. They are part of his blueprint, part of his story and therefore, part of what makes him a treasure.

Jesus told a parable in which he compared the kingdom of heaven to a treasure. “The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field." Matthew 13:44.

We currently very much feel like that man who sold everything he had to buy the field where the treasure was. Adoption is expensive. Very expensive. But the focus of this verse for me are two phrases "in joy" and "hidden treasure." How appropriate that Lelai means "joy is coming." His Chinese caregivers called him "LeLe" as a nicname which would mean double happiness or overwhelming joy. And just like we needed to give up so much to be able to experience the joy and find this special hidden treasure of Cameron, Jesus tells us that that is what the kingdom of heaven is like. It is a treasure so special that you will want to give up everything in your life to obtain that treasure- to be in Heaven with God.

King David was right in his thoughts about God and no wonder so many of his songs are about how God knows us- deeply, intimately and like no one else ever can. God knows our story. And He thinks we are a treasure. As Cameron grows and we tell him his story, that is what we want him to know and understand.

Look! Team Murray is all together!

About 30 hours after leaving our hotel in Guangzhou, Gretchen was jumping up and down in the airport parking lot and says "Look! Team Murray is finally all together!" Indeed.

The trip home was brutal, but Cameron handled it like a champ. It was only by the grace of God that I was not puking on the flight heading into Newark. The two things that make me lose it are 1. severe motion sickness and 2. hearing other people throwing up. The last hour of the flight was so bad that the airline attendants were passing out barf bags with the customs forms. Upon arrival, Immigration officials state "we all looked at each other and couldn't believe the pilots had decided to land in this weather." Great. Not exactly the "welcome home" that I was anticipating.

I had Officer Grumpy Grumpington process us through customs and immigration. All of the paperwork is done in China with their government as well as the U.S. Consulate so they send me into the US with a sealed package to give to the immigration officer upon entry. Cameron became our son in China on June 27th and then became a US citizen the moment we stepped foot in the country Friday night. I decided to stop respecting the fact that we were in Yankees territory since everyone was so gloomy and ruining my mood and started exclaiming to all of them "Well, the US has its newest Red Sox fan!" I made sure they saw me change Cameron into his "My Mommy and Daddy think I am a great catch!" Red Sox shirt and his new baseball cap.

Flights were cancelled and delayed all evening Friday, but we eventually made it home. It's hard to really know how these things will go. There is so much preparation and so much prayer, and I tried to not place any expectations on the whole thing. Is Cameron going to be scared? Excited? How will the girls react when they see me? I worked to push the questions aside and see what would happen. Cameron was exhausted and so was I. I was overjoyed to see my baby girls again. As much of a nightmare as the travel was, it was behind us and I will remember the moment when my daughters met their brother for the rest of my life.

They were excited to see me, but their welcome for their brother was so touching and so deeply genuine, that the rest of the tired travelers all had to stop what they were doing to watch it all. It was very late, like seriously hours past their bedtime. They were so happy that they could not contain their joy. It literally spilled out of them in loud squeals and giggles. They kept running around in circles around him and Gretchen could not stop hugging him and saying "You are here! You are here, Cameron! It's very nice to meet you. You are my little brother!"

He wasn't quite sure what to make of them but was carefully taking it all in. They were showering him with their stuffed animals and kissing him and hugging him over and over again. Their complete joy and total acceptance of Cameron was mind-boggling to me. It really made me think about how God wants us to respond to the people He has placed in our lives. There were no questions in their hearts. They saw him as their gift of a brother and could think of no other way to respond but by jumping up and down in excitement, running around in circles and squealing with glee at his mere presence.

Madelyn then spotted a sheep cellphone hanging around Cameron's neck. This sheep is called "Pleasant Goat" "Happy Goat" or "Happy Sheep" in China. It's some popular Chinese cartoon character that Cameron would point to whenever he saw it in China. I eventually bought him this obnoxious piece of plastic junk molded to look like a cellphone that plays this ear-piercing annoying song over and over again. It's the theme song from the show.

Madelyn seeing this new toy that she wants, then says matter of factly "Look, Cameron, we share. Here is my horsie, passing him her stuffed animal. Now you give me the sheep!" He might not understand a lot of English yet, but he sure understood what Madelyn was preparing for him, so he took off running. Madelyn then started chasing him to get the toy and then Gretchen started chasing them because it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

I was in line at the claims department trying to get Continental to pay for my new stroller that they broke in half. I don't know how that is even possible. That thing made its way all through China and back to the US and somehow the fine folks at Continental break it in half from Newark to Boston. I am half talking to an uninterested employee in the claims department and half watching my 3 children chase each other around the baggage claim area over a piece of junky plastic that I so wanted to "accidentally" leave in the hotel room in China.

Then I notice that the scenario began to change on its own. Cameron started laughing hysterically at all the running. Madelyn seemed to forget why she was chasing him in the first place. And Gretchen was only in it for the thrill of running around in circles anyway. The three of them just ran and laughed and ran and laughed and you couldn't help but be energized by all of their giggles. The weariness seemed to lift from every traveler in the entire airport, even after midnight. We all just sat and watched these three run and run and run.

Joy. Pure joy.

The lack of sleep was followed by another airport run in the morning to drop off my mom who was flying to Pittsburgh for a week before heading back to Texas after helping Geoff for the past week. The three Murray Monkeys could not stay awake on the car ride. So, with joy in our hearts and laughter on our lips, our new life together officially begins.

It's Official!

Cameron Lelai Murray is now a citizen of the United States of America, having landed in Newark, New Jersey and gone through Customs & Immigration!

Unfortunately, due to bad weather, they're having a hard time finding a flight to Boston.

Please pray they don't have to stay overnight in New Jersey (not that I have anything against New Jersey, other than that they're Yankees/Giants/Devils fans - I just want Christy & Cameron home!)

The USA is about to get a new citizen!

Wednesday, July 6th

Today was the day that we have all been waiting for. The entire trip is based around the appointment at the US Consulate for Cameron’s visa interview to be allowed to immigrate to the United States of America. I really wish we were allowed to bring our cameras into the Consulate because when all the parents of the 12 families whose appointment was at 8:30 this morning stood up and raised our right hands to take the oath, Cameron looked around and raised his hand too. It was pretty darn adorable.

Other than that cute moment, the rest of the morning was a bit anticlimactic. I wasn’t expecting the US Consulate to simply be one of many offices in a huge building that looked like it mostly held travel agencies. It was hot. The lines for people trying to get their visas were unbelievably long. Those people would be waiting for hours for their turn. I was so thankful there was a separate section for adoptive families. I was hoping for a huge American flag, perhaps the Star Spangled Banner playing in the background. Nothing. The website has an adorable Chinese girl wearing a silk outfit holding a panda bear stuffed animal in front of an American flag. That was not my day.

Cameron has had enough of these appointments and long lines and forever bus rides. He was very whiney the entire time. My interview was a bit of a challenge and I felt like I was talking to a bank teller. I had Cameron shoved on top of the counter and was pumping him with M&Ms so he would stop crying and I could hear the questions. Fortunately, my interview was as quick as he could make it and he showed me great mercy.

One thing that is told to us over and over again before leaving for China is to CHECK EVERY SINGLE DOCUMENT in your child’s province. Every single thing has to be exactly right and every “t” has to be crossed and every “i” has to be dotted. No errors whatsoever or you might need to go back to the province to correct the mistake! My guide was a bit challenging to deal with in Xi’an. She was experienced and not interested in anything that I questioned her on. On adoption day, you are given information to look over that goes into what is called “the red book.” This is very official and contains all of our family’s official adoption paperwork. Cameron’s name was spelled wrong and I immediately told her about it which they corrected. Additionally, I mentioned that his middle name was not listed. The guide, Sherry, said that’s not a big deal. Some people’s red books only have the name in Chinese written because it’s like a souvenir. I basically said I preferred to have his entire name in English on the paperwork, and she basically told me no. At the end of your time in your province, you are asked to review all the paperwork from the notary. I again brought up that his middle name was not on the paperwork which she reiterated was not a problem.

What happens when I have my visa interview, I am questioned because Cameron’s name on my visa application (which includes his middle name) which was done months ago does not match what is in his red book from his province. GRRRRRRRRRR!!! I was steaming mad. He told me not to worry about it and he crossed out Cameron’s middle name on his visa application with my permission. At that point I was like do whatever you need to do to get me out of China and back to the US with my son. The wallflower that I am, I left the visa appointment and called my former guide in Xi’an while I was on the bus waiting for the other families to finish their interviews. I “told” her about my interview and that she needs to stop blowing things off all the time and that the information written in the red book must match the visa application exactly, so she needs to get her act together for other families. They might not have as easy of an interviewer that I did who was willing to change my application for me. This kind-of stuff drives me absolutely insane.

It was a long bus ride back to the White Swan and Cameron was having a full-blown meltdown as we sat in traffic. I basically told the bus he was just like his father in Boston traffic which got a few chuckles out of the rest of the families who were holding their sweet and sleeping infant daughters. One grandmother commented “wow, he seems like he is ‘all boy’ “ as he was hanging upside down from the curtains on the window used to block out the sun on the bus. Gee, ya think! I really wasn’t in the mood to deal with anyone, especially people who had a team of husband, wife and grandmother and I have been doing this completely solo. I basically said a prayer thanking God that I have been doing this trip solo and not part of a travel group because I could tell that people’s comments and behaviors would really get to me after awhile. I only have so much patience and right now it is focused on dealing with being in a foreign country adopting a 2 year old. A very handsome 2 year old, I might add. Here’s the famous “red couch picture” at the White Swan that I am sure you have been waiting for! :-)

Safari Park Adventure!

Tuesday, July 5th

Today was a “free day” which meant that nothing was on our agenda for the adoption process or tourism. Hooray! As most of you know, I love zoos. However, I haven’t had much luck going to foreign zoos. They are typically quite depressing and the animals all look sad and close to death. I decided to ask the opinion of the members of one of my yahoo groups what they thought of the zoo in Guangzhou. The response was quite mixed but many suggested something called the Safari Park. I decided to try it out. Boy, am I glad we did!

Cameron and I took a taxi from the White Swan Hotel to the Safari Park. I thought that all of my travel experiences were good preparation for trekking to China alone to adopt a toddler. However, today I have decided that the best preparation for this trip was actually Disney World. I am one of those anal Mouseketeers who plans months in advance, including which rides to go on in what order. This methodology has proved quite useful in a country with a population of this magnitude. We got up super early and had breakfast. I carefully selected what items from the buffet I would be taking with us to the park for our lunch. I got a taxi at the exact appropriate time to get us to the park for when the ticket counter opened. I waited in line while carefully entertaining my 2 year old for the ticket distribution.

We were in the park at “rope drop” and while all those silly Chinese who were staring at me and taking pictures were making a beeline for the safari on wheels adventure, I took a sharp left and went straight to the animal nursery. A-MA-ZING! I have never seen baby animals quite like this before. I was completely enthralled. Cameron, as you can see from the first picture, was completely terrified. I started to get a little nervous that it was going to be a LONG day at the Safari Park when he started wailing at the sight of a baby tiger the size of a kitten. After the animal nursery (the sign also said animal kindergarten which I found quite amusing), we headed to Tiger Hill. We saw South China tigers, Siberian tigers, Bengal tigers, Snow tigers. If the tiger has not yet been extinct, we saw it. It was a fabulous exhibit. I didn’t brave the 10 yuan for a bag of nasty meat to throw at the tigers to feed them.

The entire reason for my visit was to see the pandas. I heard that there is one lonely panda that hides under the tree in the way back of his cage at the Guangzhou Zoo but there were many pandas and cubs at the Safari Park. I asked many workers where the pandas were with my map and was able to piece together a string of English phrases after 4 or 5 workers. I learned that the pandas didn’t open until 11. I quickly made it back to the beginning of the Park where all the people who pushed me to get to the Safari on Wheels were now heading to the Tigers.  Cameron and I easily got on the Safari on Wheels with no line and I chose the last seat on the train because I knew he would end up standing up for half of the ride, and I didn’t want to be bothering people. Wow. There’s no other way to describe this safari adventure, but wow! There were animals of every shape and size and they were so close to us. Every type of deer you can imagine, sheep, yaks, camels, swans, bears and then tigers, lions, elephants, giraffes, zebras, hippos. Any kind of animal you would ever want to see. I don’t think I will enjoy Disney’s Animal Kingdom Kilimanjaro Safari again after experiencing this adventure. It was worth every penny.

After a 30-40 minute ride at least, we were back inside the walking part of the park and we headed to the pandas. It was now 11:07 and I was quite proud to have seen so many animals before the panda exhibit opened. Cameron at this point was totally enthralled. He preferred the distance that the Safari on Wheels provided and started to get really into looking at all the animals and pointing to them and screaming “Mama! Mama!” every time he would see something new. It was SO FUN.

The panda exhibit was spectacular. I have seen the pandas at the National Zoo in DC but this was definitely the closest I have ever seen them. Cameron dozed off and I was able to gaze at these amazing creatures for 20 minutes uninterrupted. I learned that pandas like cooler weather so their exhibit was air conditioned and inside and there were huge blocks of ice everywhere. I felt like I was in panda heaven. I love to watch the same animal for a long period of time and see what they do. It was so funny to watch one of the pandas strip bamboo and have his huge snack. He was crunching it in pieces like a celery stick and I was so close to him that a piece of bamboo flew right by me. Cameron woke up while I was still mesmerized by the pandas and got to see them too.

Then I discovered his favorite animal, which coincidentally is also mine- elephants. There were so many and we were so close to them. You could even buy bananas to feed them. You had to stand back and throw it to them, so I just watched others do it. Every time I tried to move on to another exhibit, Cameron would have a complete toddler meltdown and point to the elephants indicating that he wanted to stay there. He only half enjoyed the giraffes because he was still annoyed that I took him away from the elephants, but did calm down when he ate lunch and watched the koalas.

I am not a fan of the circus and watching animals do tricks, and I usually get sick to my stomach watching them be forced to do activities to make us ooh and aah so I stayed clear of all the shows. I also skipped the Animal Fairyland which is where all the kiddie rides were. At that point, we had been there for several hours and it was time to take Cameron back to the hotel for a nap. This was such a fun day, and it made me think of Gretchen and Madelyn and dream about all the family adventures we will have when Team Murray is together once again, with an added member!

China- a Country of Contradiction

Monday, July 4th

On this day as we remember our nation’s independence, the contrast between the USA and China seems so glaring. I am in the middle of a country where I can’t even make my own blog entries because Blogger is censored here. So is Facebook. And so are many of the sites that I have been trying to get regular information from when doing Google searches. It’s a bizarre feeling to “not be allowed” to read or write something.

China is such a mix of the old and the new. Actually, old does not even describe China. Perhaps I should say ancient instead. There is ancient writing, ancient buildings, ancient traditions, ancient customs, and ancient ways of doing things. Yet, there is also an undertone of newness that makes you feel like China is experiencing some technological undertaking that we don’t understand. And they are flashing words and commercials across the screen in microseconds that when you blink, it is over.

The roads are so strange to me because one lane will be filled with the fanciest BMWs, overcrowded buses, crazy taxi-drivers, motor scooters equipped with umbrellas for sun protection and rusty old bicycles pedaling wares for deliveries to local shops. And none of these motorists or bicyclists are following any set of rules. Maybe it’s their way of dealing with a country that has so many rules that have to be followed. They comply with all of the government’s requests but they draw the line at following rules on the highway.

The White Swan Hotel where we are currently staying is a luxury hotel and considered one of the best hotels in the world. They will be closing for renovation in September and making their rooms even larger. My guide was saying that it is actually unfortunate because when they are finished the prices will be even higher and basically unaffordable for adoptive families. Early in the morning when we go to breakfast, I sit in this elaborate dining room of a massive hotel that has over 800 rooms and watch a boat family glide by the windows. There are many, but you can only see them early in the morning. They are so poor that I don’t even have words to describe them. This is their home. They have only one set of clothes that don’t fit well and a rusty old boat that looks like it will fall apart in the next storm. They swim and use a big stick and a net to try to catch fish in the dirty water of the Pearl River.

Perhaps it is because I am here to specifically do an adoption that I feel like my feet are standing on two different types of ground. It’s very unsettling. On one hand, the nannies who cared for Cameron at Starfish Foster Home pay about $6 a month for rent in their building. On the other hand, I paid $5.15 for 8 oz of Evian water in the bar at the hotel because it was cold and I was too hot to deal with a lukewarm drink at that moment.

The woman who founded Cameron’s foster home talked of a sign that she heard about in an orphanage or government building with a China flag next to the words that can be translated “we don’t want them, but we don’t want you to have them either.” It’s very true in Shaanxi Province where Cameron was born and adopted out of. The orphanage was filled with about 95% children with special needs. I know that there are as many abandonment stories as there are people, but it’s pretty hard to not make assumptions about why children were abandoned when 95% of the children from an orphanage that is responsible for over 800 children all have special needs.

Cameron was left to die in the orphanage. That was actually their plan for him. If it wasn’t for Amanda (the founder of Starfish Foster Home) and Chrissy (a very special volunteer and the one who named him Cameron), he would not have lived. They had to fight to allow him to come to Starfish Foster Home. And I felt like I was in a battle to adopt him. It has been so frustrating to deal with. I certainly wasn’t expecting a ticker tape parade when I arrived to pick up Cameron and bring him home, but I also wasn’t expecting there to be so much opposition as I go through this grueling adoption process in China that actually began several years and many thousands of dollars ago.

I can feel the tension and see the weariness all around me in the hotel. Everyone just wants the process to be finished so they can hop on a plane to get back to the US. We had to go back to the clinic for immigrants today to have Cameron’s TB test read. It was negative. Thank God! I really don’t think I could have dealt with anything extra like x-rays and more medical appointments here. I saw many families crammed into the hot waiting room waiting for their physicals, and I was so relieved to be 2 days past ours.

Tomorrow is a free day for us, so I am planning an adventure. Stay tuned…

Please pass the Cipro

Sunday, July 3rd

Please take a moment to join me in thanking God for the makers of Cipro. It is truly a miracle drug. In fact, I would be happy to do a commercial for them exclaiming its worthiness and usefulness if it wasn’t for such a gross symptom. I have traveled far and wide toting this little prescription. I was so concerned about what I was consuming in Kazakhstan that I took it twice a day, every day just for preventative purposes. The bathrooms there were not exactly the place where I wanted to become one with the porcelain throne. Besides, I don’t think they are porcelain there.

This has not been the case in China which is a good thing since I am traveling alone with a toddler! I have required the services of Cipro 3 times (so far). The first was in Xi’an and was a very mild case. It was so unbelievably hot in Xi’an. The temperatures ranged from 104 to 110 degrees almost every day. In fact, the weather in Guangzhou is about 96 to 98 degrees every day and doesn’t even feel hot after Xi’an! I had run out of my bottled water and the driver offered me an unopened, sealed bottle of water from a case that he kept in the back of the van. I gave some to Cameron who has had no issues at all (obviously he is used to every parasite in China), and I had a few sips of it. I was sick about 15 minutes later. For those of you who are reading this who are preparing for your trip to China, here’s an FYI…the green labeled Chinese brand of bottled water is not safe for us wimpy Americans. Go for the good stuff and get the blue-labeled bottle water from Nestle.

The second time Cipro was necessary was Saturday after my first big outing in Guangzhou. Everyone, and I mean everyone, insists that when in Guangzhou (specifically on Shamian Island where we are) you must make a trip to Lucy’s Bar and Grill. They serve the closest thing to American food (sadly that means cheeseburgers, french fries, pizza and pasta) to any restaurant in China. I am not sure if it was their ice in my drink (ice in the hotel has not been a problem) or perhaps the vegetables on my cheeseburger (yes, I caved) were rinsed in untreated water, but at any rate I was SICK. It was short-lived thanks to my trusty Cipro.

The following day I decided that it must have been a fluke because I continue to only hear good things about Lucy’s. So, I returned. I got something totally different this time. Calamari and french fries. 15 to 20 minutes later- SICK. Unfortunately, I had decided to run errands after we ate dinner at Lucy’s and the tummy rumbling started when I was in the middle of arguing over the rate of laundry or a book or something. All was well again 10 minutes after the Cipro.

I met a dad and his adorable daughter at breakfast. They are from Buffalo and have been to China much longer than me because they did an extra week in Beijing before going to their daughter’s province. He was explaining that the rest of the family was back in their room SICK. So sick and had been for days that they have had to cancel their touristy things the past couple days. I felt so bad for them. I decided that they needed my Cipro more than me. I saved a couple just in case its service becomes necessary as the week progresses but gave the rest to the dad. Being 12 years old and struck with traveler’s sickness sounds like an awful way to spend your summer vacation. I am not giving Lucy’s any more chances so hopefully, I will be safe from here on out.

I actually invented a fun new game last week in Xi’an that I have named Chinese Roulette. In this game, Cameron and I walk into a local restaurant for dinner. I do pick ones where the waitress staff wear uniforms because it seems safer. We then attempt to order something from the menu and then actually eat it. The local restaurants have no English in them whatsoever. No English speakers. No English on the menus. And most often, no photos of the dishes as guides to what you are ordering. It’s just a laminated piece of paper with Chinese writing and a number next to each item. So, I pick a number at random and see what we end up getting for dinner. I had a 50% success rate in Xi’an which I thought was pretty good. Most items were a little too spicy for me, but good nonetheless.

Guangzhou is not shaping up to look like I will continue this little game of mine. The breakfast buffet has some pretty amazing Chinese food as well as Western so I might just be getting my main meal here and punting the rest of the time. The equivalent of Chinese Ramon noodles is easily accessible in 7-11 and grocery stores. I have just met a family in the hotel playroom who has informed me that Papa John’s delivers to the hotel. I saw the menu. It looked like real pizza to me. It will still be a cultural experience for one of the Murrays. After all, Cameron has not been introduced to pizza yet. I think it’s time that he tries this staple food.

Is Your Mama a Llama?

Saturday, July 2nd

I am sure this popular children’s book will ring familiar to your ears. Remember the llama that searches for his mama and asks other animal friends along his journey? I have been thinking a lot about the moment that you actually feel like a child’s mama.

It’s been nearly a week of this new little person being my child. After last night’s horrific travel adventure by plane, I have decided that the one major difference between becoming a mama by birth and becoming a mama through adoption are the flights. When you are discharged from the hospital with your newborn, you don’t have to then get on a plane (in a foreign country). Jet lag, however, does feel awfully similar to the sleep deprivation experienced when parenting a newborn that needs to eat every 2 hours.

Right now I can’t really discuss this flight. I am trying to block it out of my head so I don’t have a panic attack when I have to get on 3 more flights with Cameron next week. I will just say that our flight was very delayed and we got in at 1 am (Cameron’s bedtime is 7 pm). I don’t speak Chinese, but I am pretty sure that what people were screaming at me were definitely in the 4 letter word, expletive category of vocabulary.

After a few hours of sleep, we had to have Cameron’s physical. At least it was at a clinic that was walking distance from our hotel. Thank God I didn’t have to wait in line at a Chinese hospital. I visited one in Xi’an where Cameron was found and said a prayer right then thanking God for our health care system. I don’t want this to turn into a political column or anything, but I really do recommend that you visit health care facilities in foreign countries before you complain about ours in the USA. We really do have the best medical care in the world.

Anyway, the moment we walked into the clinic and Cameron saw some people in white lab coats, he started freaking out. Hmmm, I pondered, he seems to remember his previous medical experiences. I have a really good guide and I am traveling alone, so my wait time to see all the docs in the medical team was very short compared to the rest of the families. The first few stations were as I suspected- complete physical comparing their findings to the medical report I have from the orphanage, basic height and weight and head circumference stations and an ENT. Obviously Cameron has had one too many wooden tongue depressors shoved down his throat because he totally lost it for this part of the exam. I was feeling pretty bad for him at this point.

The final room was the inoculation room. Because Cameron is over the age of 2, he has to be tested for TB. This requires a shot in his forearm. I was not expecting the long needle that they pulled out. For some reason I remember this test being a circle shaped prickly thing on the fatty part of your upper arm. Well, this was far from that. It was a long needle that they attempted to put in the soft underside of his forearm, like where you would get an IV line. I was holding him down, not an easy task, and the medical personnel jammed it into his arm so hard and then realized it wasn’t deep enough and the liquid was spewing everywhere, so she took it out and jammed it in again.

That was the first moment where this llama actually felt like Cameron’s mama. Up until now, I really have been wearing my professional hat with Cameron. I am constantly assessing him, teaching him sign language, informally going through developmental checklists, looking at his medical diagnosis from a professional distance, emailing Boston Children’s Hospital with questions, and formally playing with him in a way that will promote attachment.

Many parents feel when their child is going through a painful medical procedure that they would jump into that place for their child. They would rather experience the pain themselves than watch their child suffer. Perhaps there is something wrong with me or perhaps I have seen too many episodes of ALIAS and 24, but my overall feeling was a very strong desire to strap that idiot to a chair and jam that needle into her arm as hard as she did it into Cameron’s arm. And then, oh do it again, because I didn’t quite go deep enough the first time.

They then offered him a piece of candy from their jar. Cameron responded as all Murrays do, and he promptly grabbed the entire jar and started to run away with it. I thought it was so funny. They were less than thrilled, so I dumped a bunch of candy in his hands and handed them back their empty jar. I am currently praying and having others pray as well that his TB test is negative. I really don’t want to have to jump through any more hoops to get my son home. I can’t bear to sit through chest x-rays or whatever else they force you to do to be allowed into the States.

Thankfully, that is the only thing on our schedule for today. I need to check out this fancy hotel where we will be living this week because I was too bleary-eyed to notice anything at 1 am. I am definitely looking forward to this leg of the journey as it makes me that much closer to coming home. Skyping is getting harder and harder for me as well as for the girls. Madelyn is perfecting several words this week and seems so much older when she is talking. Gretchen seems to cry and ask me when I am coming home with every phone call now.

It’s the Same, It’s Different

Thursday, June 30th

Our week in Xi’an is coming to a close. I have enjoyed Xi’an but I am starting to get a bit weary and look forward to the second half of the adoption journey. The first week is spent in your child’s province. Cameron is from Xi’an in the province of Shaanxi. The actual adoption is done in China, and as I mentioned on Monday, Cameron officially became a Murray on Geoff’s birthday. It took several hours of paperwork and it was finished in the afternoon in China. It was after midnight in Boston so Cameron literally became a Murray when it was Monday, June 27th in Boston and Monday, June 27th in China. It’s very special to us.

The rest of the week involves getting official paperwork that is the equivalent of a birth certificate/abandonment certificate in China, his passport, etc. As soon as the passport is ready, as in immediately, you can leave the province and head to Guangzhou. This international city used to be known as Canton and is the location of the US Consulate. All families who are adopting must go to Guangzhou to get a medical physical and have a visa appointment. In fact, the entire travel itinerary revolves around the visa appointment.

At this point, I have been Cameron’s mom for 4 nights and the first night was only a temporary 24 hour agreement called the “harmonious period.” There are so many things here that make me chuckle and that phrase is one of them. For most families, the first day is FAR from harmonious! Monday was an entire day of adoption paperwork, passport photos, and a shopping trip to the equivalent of Walmart to buy supplies. Most things were much cheaper except the umbrella stroller which I begrudgingly spent 199 yuan on ($31.21)- more than what I spent on umbrella strollers in the States! The exchange rate is currently awful.

Tuesday was my sacrificial gift to my husband of going to the Terra Cotta Warrior Museum in 110 degrees. Now if you ever find yourself in Xi’an, this museum is a must. I was lucky enough to have been to Xi’an in September of 2000 so I was not interested in doing any of the tour sites. Let’s look at this honestly. I am trying to get to know a 28 month old little Chinese boy who has no language skills. Not only does he not understand English, but he is also very language delayed in Chinese due to his cleft lip and palate. A museum intended for adults is not exactly where I want to get to know a toddler. However, it did prove to me one thing- parenting Cameron is exactly the same as parenting Gretchen and Madelyn.

Well, almost…

Here is what feels exactly the same:
• 2 year olds love to be in shopping carts (for about 5 minutes). Then they prefer to get out of the shopping cart, even if it is unsafe and tipping, and attempt to push it which crashes crowded aisles of Chinese products and causes stares as well as frantic employees yelling at me in Chinese. After that, they just prefer to run through the aisles and see if you will chase them.
• 2 year olds prefer to drink what you are drinking even when they have their own bottle or cup. After a few sips of the coveted liquid, they then prefer to “do it all by themselves” and grab the cup and push you away and then subsequently spill your drink all down themselves. No matter to them, they then have their drink which they happily suck down.
• 2 year olds go from happily playing to throwing things at you and wailing when it is naptime. It is a good idea to not be out and about during this time. Otherwise, you are trying to get a kicking, screaming, arching their back toddler into a stroller to get back to a hotel (or home) as soon as you can. This has been very challenging for me in the States but it is nothing compared to what it is like doing this in China!
• Eating in restaurants with 2 year olds is not fun for anyone- the toddler, the parent, the waitress staff or the other patrons! (I have already had to pay for a spoon that he broke by whipping it across the restaurant.)
• Some of the other things about Cameron that feel very similar to being mama to Gretchen and Madelyn are his belly laugh when I tickle him, his insistence on playing with my sunglasses instead of wearing his, his obsession with shoes (wearing them and taking them off repeatedly in inopportune times), his desire to push his stroller instead of riding in it, his desire to be near me at all times even if I am using the bathroom or taking a shower, a constant opening and clicking closed the belts on his stroller, high chair and backpack and last but not least, his love of all things chocolate.

There are also many things that are not at all the same as parenting Gretchen and Madelyn. Here is a short sample:
• When Cameron eats, food comes out of his nose. How do you say “I need to have another surgery repair asap” in Chinese?
• Gretchen and Madelyn both have advanced language skills (no, I don’t know where they get that from) and Cameron will be in speech therapy for years.
• Cameron exhibits orphanage type behaviors when he is tired or stressed, such as moving his head back and forth over and over again to fall asleep. He doesn’t bang his head like many children do, but he rocks it in a way that makes me cry inside, knowing that he developed this because he never had a mom or a dad to put him to bed at night.
• Cameron hates stuffed animals and loves cars.
• Cameron does not like things with a red tomato-based sauce (boy, I hope this one changes).
• Cameron prefers to climb or hang upside down from any piece of furniture rather than sit down in it to read a book with me.

Tomorrow is supposed to be when we can pick up his passport and head to the airport. I am not looking forward to flying with this little man, I can tell you that. If his inability to sit for 5 minutes in a cab is indicative of anything, it is that this is going to be a looooong 3 hour flight to Guangzhou!

Our Apologies

Sunday, July 3rd

Hello all,
I was really hoping to send a blog entry every day while I was here.
The challenge is that both Facebook and Blogger are blocked in China.
It means that I have to send something to Geoff and then he makes the
post for me. He has his hands full taking care of Gretchen and
Madelyn. He and I tend to Skype instead of email so it got moved down
our priority list.

Pray for the rest of the Murrays back in Boston. It’s been
challenging for all of us. It seems that every Skype conversation
includes one of the girls wailing. They miss their mama! This is
very hard for them and difficult for me as well. It’s also
challenging for me to be here with Cameron and it’s a lot of work with
no break. Because I am in the situation that is “new” and we are so
busy with adoption appointments, the time goes by faster for me than
for those that I love who are still in Boston.

I have some entries that I am in the process of organizing and
emailing to Geoff, so he will be playing catch up and you will see
more than one posted on the same day. This is not the first time that
I have been out of the country on the 4th of July. I remember our
nation’s birth in my heart and despite all of the challenges that our
country has been facing, it is still the greatest country on earth.
Being in China this weekend only highlights that fact. I pray that
our nation would be in the center of God’s will and kept in His hands.

THE GREATEST LOVE

“Greater love has no one than this, than he lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13

The life of an orphan is hard. The life of an orphan with special needs is impossible. Most will never be adopted, never leave an institution, never be welcomed by society, never have a job, never have another soul on the earth to love them. And certainly never have anything to call their own.

I handed Cameron a blue matchbox car in the Civil Affairs office. He has never let it go since. He loves this car. I spent $1 on it at Ocean State Job Lot the day before I left for China. He seemed to experience such relief when I dressed him in a pair of shorts with pockets and showed him how he could put the car in his pocket to keep it on his person. He holds it tight in one hand, and holds my hand tight in his other hand.

You cannot imagine my horror when one of the government officers at one of our appointments thought it was funny to make Cameron cry by snatching his car from his hand over and over again. At first I was stunned. Cameron has a silent cry, which is the exact opposite of Madelyn. That child cries and screams so loudly that it literally makes your eardrums vibrate. People comment on it in public all the time. At first they laugh when they hear it until it starts to hurt their ears too. Then I start to get dirty looks like somehow I can make her cry softer. They often say “how can such a big sound come out of such a little person!” That is our Madelyn.

But Cameron cries silently. I have seen it before in other orphans. I have no doubt that it is due to the months at the orphanage before he went to Starfish Foster Home. When you spend that long not having any needs met whatsoever, you lose the ability to continue to fight and ask for what you need. He has a look on his face like he is crying, but no sound comes out and no tears are shed. When he bumps his head on the desk in the hotel room, I have to be careful to listen to when I hear a bump because I will not hear a cry.

After torturing my son by grabbing his car several times, mama bear took over. Despite the fact that I felt vulnerable with these officers, I finally grabbed it from their hand and shouted “No!” I gave him his car back and he snuggled into me. Cameron doesn’t fully understand who I am, I know that. But he has figured out that this person taking care of him is his advocate and he looks to me when something is happening to him that he finds distressing. Yes, he calls me "mama" but he has never seen a family, so how can he really understand what a "mama" actually is.

I have come to love this little blue matchbox car since it travels everywhere that Cameron does. He struggled so much when I wouldn’t let him hold it in the bathtub because I didn’t want it to get wet and rust. I made a place for it on the tub where he could see it during the entire bath. I wasn’t sure what would happen when we visited Starfish Foster Home. When he saw his Starfish siblings, he grasped onto that car so tight and would whine whenever anyone walked near him.

Today we visited Xi’an Child Welfare Institute where Cameron spent his first 2 months after he was abandoned at a hospital. I wanted to see it for myself. It is one of the largest orphanages in China and is responsible for over 800 children, half of which are in foster care placements. After touring the orphanage with the assistant to the director, I met the man who named him Lelai. I had a small gift for him and wanted him to write a message to Cameron in a book that I brought. I was supposed to meet the director after that and have him sign Cameron’s book. At this point, Cameron was having a meltdown. I can’t exactly describe what 110 degrees with a toddler who doesn’t even speak Chinese let alone English and only understands Chinese feels like. But, I can assure you, it feels even hotter.

So, I asked my guide and the assistant to be my proxy so I could stand in the shade with my son and help him through his tantrum and give him some water and a snack. During that time, an old woman caregiver walked by with about 6 or 7 babies and toddlers in a wagon. One of the baby boys was crying and she stopped in the shade to pick him up. I was so taken by his eyes that it took me a minute to realize that the baby had no ears. After he stopped crying and she put him back in the wagon, Cameron walked over to that 3 or 4 month old baby and laid his little blue matchbox car on his belly. And when the baby couldn’t pick it up, Cameron picked it up and placed the car in the baby’s hands.

Time slowed down. I couldn’t even hear the sounds from the street anymore. I just stared at my son and watched him make the biggest sacrifice of his life. Only his mama (and God) know how much that car meant to him. I thought he might cry when she started to walk away with the children and he watched his car leave with them but he didn’t. Then the caregiver noticed that the baby was still holding the car and she took it out of his hands and handed it back to Cameron. He deliberately walked back over to them and then handed the car to one of the toddlers who was helping to push the wagon and patted her arm while he did it. She smiled at him and walked away and then turned back around and blew him a kiss.

For most of us, though, demonstrating laying down our life for someone means dying to self. It means looking our selfish selves in the mirror and doing something we don’t want to do for someone else. Like getting up extra early to make your spouse coffee before work or not going out to dinner with your friends because your daughter’s softball game was rescheduled from rain on the same night as your “girls’ night out.” It means sacrificing what you love to do to take care of someone else’s needs. For Cameron, it meant giving away the only treasure he has ever known - his little blue matchbox car.

Tears of Joy

As I was walking to the Civil Affairs office to meet Cameron, I was remembering the weather on the day that we brought Gretchen and Madelyn home from the hospital. Gretchen was born in a warm November and when we arrived home, the sky was on fire with the colors of all of the leaves. It was stunning.

Madelyn was born in a slightly warm February (warm for Boston), but it began to snow the day before we were discharged and we left right as another storm was coming in.

The clouds opened up in Xi'an yesterday and it was raining as I walked to Civil Affairs. The sidewalks here are tile, and I was slipping all over the place. The closer we got to the office, the harder it started to rain. It felt as if Jesus himself was crying tears of joy at what was about to happen.

As I entered the building, I witnessed a struggling family. A toddler was in complete hysterics and reaching and wailing for his Chinese orphanage caregiver. The daddy seemed sad, the mommy seemed unprepared, and the child was in such grief. I started to sob. It was so hard watching a child be in such pain, not being able to understand that what lies ahead is even better. And what God wants for all of us- to be a part of a family.

My stomach started to knot up as I stepped onto the elevator. Cameron was prepared for this day. We worked hard coming up with a plan. He had a book of his new family which was read to him daily at Starfish. I wore the same outfit as the picture that he had of me. You just don't know how things will go. I started down the hall towards the office and when I entered the room, Cameron looked up and ran into my arms and shouted "mama!" It was so perfect that the whole room seemed to stand still. Toddler adoption is a curious thing. There is so much that is hard to explain, yet so much that they seem to comprehend. Cameron held his book and pointed to my picture and then pointed to me. Then he pointed to my picture and pointed back to me. This happened for several minutes and it really seemed like he understood who I was. He also seemed pretty eager to start the next chapter of his life.

Since that moment, he hasn't left my side and starts to cry if there is more than 2 or 3 feet between us. We are all looking forward to this next part of the journey. And I am looking forward to all of the future tears of joy.

Go Bucks!

This will be short and sweet tonight as I am completely exhausted from the journey. I underestimated how hard it would be for me to leave. I started crying in the airport and couldn't quite seem to pull it together. Thankfully, it was security in Boston where nothing seems to rattle them. :)

The flight to Shanghai had several families going home to China for their summer vacations. It has never been uncommon for me to observe children the entire time I am on a flight or in public. This time was a bit different, though. As I was staring at these adorable kiddos I finally realized, wait a second...That's going to be me in a couple days! I am going to be the mom of an adorable Chinese child. Weird, I know, but it just was hitting home.

I'd love to say that my traveling went off without a hitch, but that would be a lie. I am just hoping that gives me a free pass for the journey home since I will be bringing back a 2 year old who doesn't understand English and trying to find ways to entertain him for oh, I don't know 25 hours??!! We have several domestic flights in China too, so start praying now!

I arrived in Xi'an many, many hours later than expected. It was reminding me of the trip that Grace and I took for Cynthia's wedding, arrival late into Xi'an. Major difference though-prices are out of sight! Oye vey! Many more English speakers too. I was exhausted and ready to fall into bed. However, the firetrucks and police cars (I stopped counting after 30 firetrucks) in front of my hotel were a little distracting. That and the fire and smoke from the biggest fire I have ever seen in real life. I will be downloading pictures hopefully. The hotel was FILLED with smoke. Like unbelievably so. China is also filled with smog. Not to mention the HEAT and HUMIDITY. It's pretty darn miserable and I felt reaffirmed in our family decision of the girls staying home with Geoff and me traveling alone.

I will be meeting our sweet boy tomorrow! Thanks for all your love, encouragement and prayers. I am a bit nervous for what is awaiting for us. As for the Buckeye reference...I meet them everywhere, even in China! The person I sat next to on the plane from Shanghai to Xi'an is getting her Masters at Ohio State this year. She is going home for the summer. It was fun to talk about the Buckeyes with someone who speaks very little English. She could say "Go Bucks!' though :).

Band-Aids, Cellphones and Chocolate Chip Cookies

Oh, the joys of parenting. To say that I do about a million things that I said that I would NEVER do is the understatement of the century. I should have bought stock in Band-Aids. I am literally keeping that company in business. It's amazing what a band-aid can cure. In our house, it has helped soothe a hurt caused by a stolen stuffed animal, provided hours of entertainment and oh, yea, we use them when there is a cut or blister or some other random hurt that I have no idea where it came from on these little girls' arms, legs, feet, elbows... At this point, they love to cover their bodies in them. They think they are some fashion statement, perhaps all the characters? Hello Kitty, Mickey Mouse, Disney Princesses, Toy Story. I have given in and filled their Christmas stockings with them too.

And then there is my phone. That coveted piece of equipment that has the power to literally stop the car and head back home on its own when I have forgotten my cellphone. It has saved me in so many binds. No, not because I have needed it to call 9-1-1 or AAA. Usually my emergencies often look like someone is crying and I am in a checkout line at the grocery store and handing them my Blackberry is the quickest way for me to get out of that store with the least amount of dirty looks as possible. And as far as those tellers go, it's the store's own fault for putting candy and lollipops in the checkout line. How do they think they can quickly check me out when I now have a 3 year old and a 2 year old who I am yanking bags of M&Ms from as I am trying to load groceries onto the belt? If only I didn't lose my cellphone so much, it would come in handy more often.

Well, I am here to confess that today I have hit a new low in parenting. As most of you know, I am leaving in 22 hours to head to China to pick up our sweet son. In case you haven't done the math, Cameron is only 11 days younger than Madelyn. In another day, I will officially have 3 children who are 15 months apart from each other. One thing that Gretchen and Madelyn have taught me so far is that no two children are alike. And despite my best efforts and trying to turn them into specific people, they seem to have minds of their own :) and we are all learning and loving and growing together.

So, with Madelyn, I have succumbed to something that I never ever thought I would do- nurse a toddler. This kid is 28 months old and is refusing to wean. I have tried everything. I have read every book. I have refused, begged, bribed. You name it, I have tried it. And to think I thought I was an expert at nursing and weaning after my experience with Gretchen. Good Heavens. I apologize to anyone I ever gave nursing advice to. I also apologize to every person I ever met whom I judged when I saw you nursing your kid who was "too old."

Let's just say that I have reached the desperate stage of packing. I have family coming in to help Geoff who will be walking into a house that is um, a MESS. I have so many things to do today that I seriously doubt bedtime will be an option tonight. Oh, and Madelyn is STILL NURSING. This morning when she woke up she did her typical signs of wanting to nurse which I promptly ignored. Then she said "Mama, I want to nurse!" (See this is what happens when you nurse a toddler, they actually tell you what they want!) Me being busy and having no other comforting words for this child of mine replied "No!" Then Madelyn says "Mama, I wanna nurse. Just 5 minutes?" Look how she is so cute and offering a new choice to attempt to persuade me... My reply "No!" Madelyn begins to wail!! I handed her a chocolate chip cookie. It's 7:30 am and my 2 year old is having chocolate chip cookies for breakfast because I literally don't know what else to do. And, I NEED TO PACK!

When I return from China with Cameron, I will make a point to write a letter to the hospital lactation specialist, or perhaps Dr. Jack Newman himself that one way to successfully wean a child is to go to China! (And leave the nursing child behind.)

Mama is coming, Cameron! I will be there soon. And don't worry- I am bringing cookies!

But we are missing someone!

I have decided that 3 is about the perfect age for all things theological. I am amazed at the things that Gretchen says that ring so true spiritually. She has said several times...

"Mama, God is in China taking care of Cameron, Jesus is in Heaven holding baby Jason, so who is here with me so we are not lonely too?"

Me: "The Holy Spirit!"

G: "Yes, that's right. He is the one who makes me feel safe when I am trying to sleep."

Yes, that's right people, my 3 year old grapples regularly with trying to figure out the Trinity!

Gretchen has always been very attached to both Geoff and I- in different ways, but equally close. She pretty much prefers when we are ALL together. "Team Murray" is a phrase often said around here, and we all feel the same about the idea of "best" is when we are all here together. The fact that Cameron is in our hearts and not physically in our home and arms yet has been weighing heavily upon us all. More and more, both of his big sisters talk about him and when he is coming home. "Are all the papers done yet, Mommy? When are you going to China to get my brother?" Lately, the conversation has focused more about his absence.

We are finishing up his room and the girls love to run and play there. I will post photos of his room when we finish this weekend. Madelyn loves to point out all the turtles and frogs and screams "Look, Mama! Cameron's fwoggies! Look, Mama! Cameron's turtles! Look, Mama! Cameron's bed." As Madelyn was jumping on his bed today, Gretchen put her head down and said "but, we are missing something. We are missing Cameron!"

When we do a group hug, one of them usually shouts "Team Murray!" but for the past few weeks they make sure they mention "not all of Team Murray is here. We need Cameron!" They couldn't be more right. We do need him here. I have been waiting for this little man for 29 years. 3rd grade is not too early to start planning your future. :) It's been a privilege to watch the rest of my family develop a deep love for this little boy who is still on the other side of the world.

Well, I am happy to report that it's time. Finally. A week from today (yes, next Thursday!), I will be on a plane to pick up the newest member of Team Murray and finally hold my son. June 27th has been a special day on my heart for 5 years since it's the day my sweet husband was born. Now, it's also the day that is Cameron's "Gotcha Day" and will be celebrated in our family for the rest of our lives! Looks like the blog entries are going to be frequent now. Stay tuned!

Choose to be a starfish thrower!

One day, an old man was walking along the beach in the early morning and noticed what appeared to be thousands of starfish washed up on the shore. Up ahead in the distance, he spotted a boy who appeared to be gathering up the starfish and tossing them back into the ocean. Overwhelmed by the sheer multitude of the suffering creatures, the old man just stood and watched as the boy picked up another starfish, and yet another, releasing them in the healing safety of the cool green water.

Finally, he approached the boy and asked him why he spent so much energy doing what seemed to be a waste of time. The boy replied "If these starfish are left out here like this, they will bake in the sun, and this afternoon all of them will be dead." The old man gazed out as far as he could see and responded "But, there must be hundreds of miles of beach and thousands of starfish. You can't possibly rescue all of them. What difference is throwing a few back going to make, anyway?"

The boy then held up the starfish he had in his hand and threw it to safety in the waves and replied "It made a difference to that one!"

I have a link on my blog to the website of The Starfish Foster Home where my son, Cameron, is currently living and has been since he was 9 weeks old. I am grateful for Amanda, the founder, and the role she and others played in saving my son's life.

Helping just one does make a difference. Choose to be a starfish thrower!

Who does he belong to, Mama?

On March 22, 2011 we received the call. It wasn't exactly what I imagined it would be like for so many years. But, when is anything in life what we imagine or expect it to be?

I was shaking as I looked at the referral pictures of Cameron and his medical file on my computer. I was also wondering if he was my son. Geoff was at work, and I needed to forward the file to him so he could review it.

While I was looking at these sweet pictures, Gretchen came over and saw Cameron. She said "Oh, mama, that little boy is sooo cute. Who does he belong to?" My heart was full. I could not say, "well, we think he is your little brother and belongs to the Murrays." So much more paperwork needed to be done and filed and authenticated and sent to China and, and, and...

Besides, Geoff had not yet seen Cameron's photo, so I needed to wait. I also needed to answer my daughter. I finally understood a concept that has been so difficult for my heart to grasp for so long. I finally had the answer for Gretchen and said "Gretchen, that boy belongs to God." She was happy with that answer and skipped away on to the next activity. My eyes filled with tears because this little boy who did not yet have a family, but also wasn't quite yet part of ours, was then and will always be a child of God.

It is so hard as a mama to really understand how anyone could love these little people more than we do. But He does. God loves us more than we could ever possibly imagine. He only entrusts them to us for a little while, and I pray we raise them as He wants us to. The Bible says that God is the Father to the fatherless. I will be eternally grateful for the love that He has for Cameron and that Cameron will be a part of our family.