God Knows Our Story

There is a very special passage in Scripture in the book of Psalms, chapter 139. In this song, David is talking to God about how no one could know David better than God. In verse 16, he writes "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

There have been many times that I have meditated upon this chapter and specifically this verse. God has a very specific purpose for all of our lives. He made a blueprint, even before we began to develop in our mother's womb. He also has ordained every single day that we will be on the earth. There is no greater pain suffered on earth than the loss of a child. It is helpful to understand that God already knew every day that they would be on this earth, even if we don't understand why.

He knows the day that we begin forming. He knows the day that we will be born. He knows the day that we will die. And God knows everything in between.

This past Spring, Geoff and I lost a baby. Many families around the world have endured this pain since the beginning of time. When a baby dies before 20 weeks gestation, the death is called a miscarriage. When a baby dies after 20 weeks gestation, the medical world calls the death a stillborn. Let me be clear in stating that this was not a "failed pregnancy." This was a baby that we planned for and deeply desired. We named him Jason Paul and still mourn his absence from our family and that he and Cameron will not be sharing a bedroom on earth.

I thought a lot about this verse during the inital stages of grief. It makes me sad that I never got to hold him in my arms or raise him with his siblings, but I do know exactly where he is- safe in the arms of Jesus. I know that God does not make mistakes and that He knew exactly how long Jason would be in my womb. So many times in which I have thought about the words in King David's song to God have really been about death and that God knows exactly when because all of our days are written in His book.

In Cameron's life story, however, these verses make me think about life and when we are born. The first obvious notion is because Cameron did not grow in my womb. He grew in another woman's. And even then as God helped form him, He knew in his omnipotence that she would not be the one to raise Cameron. There are many events that surround Cameron's beginning that are unclear. But God knows his story.

According to the orphanage records and medical reports, Cameron was abandoned on March 13, 2009 at a very large and prominent hospital in Xi'an, China. The interesting piece of information about this location is that it is a military hospital and actually considered the best hospital in this very large city with the same population size as New York City. The doctors did an estimate of his age and determined his birthdate to be February 29, 2009.

For those of you who do not have the leap years memorized, you can get out a calendar and see that that day does not exist in time. There is no February 29, 2009. This had a deep impact on me while I was in China. Not only was a little boy abandoned by his family and no one but God knows why, but the next caregivers that he would have assigned a birthday to him that does not exist in our world. I grieved for Cameron. I cried for that little baby who no one really knew.

The mistake was realized eventually as his birthdate was then changed to February 28, 2009 in later paperwork. Abandonment is illegal in China so when a baby is found, the first call is to the police. They do a thorough search for birth parents. Once the investigation is over, they call the orphanage and deliver the baby to them (unless they need hospitalization first). The orphanage is responsible for putting an ad in the paper with the details that they have to see if the family or any extended family members know any information on the baby or claim the baby. This is called a finding ad.

Part of the paperwork process during the adoption in China is giving each family their child's finding ad. This day was another interesting moment in China. I actually have a copy of Cameron's original finding ad. In it, the birthdate that was originally assigned to him was February 29, 2009. In the copy of a copy of a copy that I received from the orphanage on adoption day, the date said February 28, 2009. Same paper. Same day of printing of that paper. Different days. I understand a bit about the Chinese notion of saving face, so I am choosing to not pursue this journey any further. The point is, no one really knows when Cameron was born. No one that is, except his birth mother and God.

When I first received the photos of the day that Cameron came to live at Starfish, the level of his malnourishment was shocking. I felt then that he was not 2 weeks old when he went to the orphanage. I thought he was probably older but was so small and frail and sick, they guessed at 2 weeks. I don't think the doctors that evaluated him knew what to think of a baby like Cameron. He was days, perhaps hours from death on the day he went to live at Starfish. Cameron was so malnourished that his limbs were no longer able to move. Out of respect for my son, the photos that I included in this blog are not the full body shots or the ones where you can really see how close to death he was.







The day I met Cameron in China 3 weeks ago, I felt the same thing- that he was older. There is no particular reason when you first meet him to assume that he is older. It was a knowing in my gut. He is actually quite short. Madelyn is a peanut, and they are supposed to be the exact same age and she is a little taller than Cameron. Yesterday was the first of many doctor appointments at Boston Children's Hospital. When the cleft lip and palate nurse began Cameron's examination, she said "you know that Cameron is older than his birthdate, right?" "Yes," I said "I had a feeling that he was." They recommended a bone scan for a better estimate of his age for medical purposes only.

Adoption is very much like a treasure hunt. You get some clues here and there. Some of them are real clues, some of them almost seem like they were set out to confuse the other pirates looking for the treasure. You piece it together to try to form a story of your child. You want to tell them their story. The reality is that I don't know all of Cameron's story and neither does the foster home who lovingly nursed him to health and neither does the orphanage who had him for the first 2 months after he was abandoned.

Not only do I know that God knows Cameron's story, but I also know that Cameron is a treasure. A treasure that was worthy to be sought after and found. His special needs do not make him less worthy of a treasure. They are part of his blueprint, part of his story and therefore, part of what makes him a treasure.

Jesus told a parable in which he compared the kingdom of heaven to a treasure. “The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field." Matthew 13:44.

We currently very much feel like that man who sold everything he had to buy the field where the treasure was. Adoption is expensive. Very expensive. But the focus of this verse for me are two phrases "in joy" and "hidden treasure." How appropriate that Lelai means "joy is coming." His Chinese caregivers called him "LeLe" as a nicname which would mean double happiness or overwhelming joy. And just like we needed to give up so much to be able to experience the joy and find this special hidden treasure of Cameron, Jesus tells us that that is what the kingdom of heaven is like. It is a treasure so special that you will want to give up everything in your life to obtain that treasure- to be in Heaven with God.

King David was right in his thoughts about God and no wonder so many of his songs are about how God knows us- deeply, intimately and like no one else ever can. God knows our story. And He thinks we are a treasure. As Cameron grows and we tell him his story, that is what we want him to know and understand.